First of all, am a fucking hero! let's just get that out of the way now. K. So, today I rescued a lost kitten in the marketplace. Her name was mel-something. Can't remember because this is about me, you faggots. She was begging for help in gen chat, literal "help me obi won kenobi". I was on a bank mule looking for shitastic loot that I will be using to crush EN dailies for 3 levels before I cap. I generally try and help any one who is reduced to using general chat because am a goddamned real american hero.

So, this bitch, lost as fuck. Invited her to party and her issues were deep, nigga. Hella deep. To start off she had been playing for 3 days and ddo was her first pc game. She had just purchased $40 worth of ddo points using her husband's CC, for 3 LR hearts, vet status and a druid because she followed a guide that said druid would benefit from 3 sorc lives. If you're still reading then you have nothing better to do, so just continue on anyway. I had to calmly tell her to breathe and stop crying hysterically because her hubby was going to come home and probably beat her for the 40 bucks she spent on ddo. She said she would be in trouble because he monitors everything when I told her not to tell him.

Anyway, this bitch thought that LRing means TRing, and she had fucked up her character by having 3 sorc and 4 druid levels. I spent about an hour mansplaning to her how to select her class trees, where trainers are and what they do, and the mysteries of the universe. She had never even played a quest before. Didnt understand why she had to wait 3 days to use her hearts again. And just thought about curling up into a little ball and awaiting her beating when hubby came home. She thought about quitting the game because it's set up like a fucking scam for idiots. After rescuing her like the aspca, I sent her off to Legends of Orien. A fantastic guild and decent folk who are doing a great service to ddo. Not that any new players would know because the forums don't have shit stickied anywhere and promote posting aversion mechanics. Which is another rant, but why the fuck don't you sticky something, cordo? You useless fat fuck.


I bought her some lv 7 gear from the AH, taught her how to use the AH. Because obviously searching for wisdom to find wisdom items yields squat since Sev thought it'd be just swell to name that shit prudent. GJ, dipshit. Got the poor thing some potions, wands, and 100k plat. More than what I use every life because my frandz are op and I just blatantly pike on them niggas while wasting their resources as I charge head first into carnage reapers with reckless abandon. Why doesnt ddo have some sort of btc tokens that can be traded in for btc potions and wands, some good starting gear based on melee/caster/lost kitten, which is selectable on logging in? Why is this game so bad?

Well the LoO guild took her in and even got her on her first quests in the game. Yay, good deed made me feel all warm inside.

Now, grand if that was you, you're fucking sick, bro. If that wasn't you, you're still fucking sick, bro.

Will check up on her tomorrow because there's no way she figured out how to use anything in ddo let alone the anon toggle. She will probably quit though because her husband beating on her, and this game being the worst game ever conceived if you're new. And shit if you're not new, but different rant altogether.

You may look upon me in admiration now.

Wipe wrote on Sep 30^th, 2017 at 2:10pm:

best blessing I have ever heard in my life!

Wipe wrote on Sep 30^th, 2017 at 2:10pm:

I like to hit homeruns and then perform celebratory dances afterwards. sometimes i post gifs, too.

Who Cares wrote on Sep 30^th, 2017 at 2:15pm:

fo realz. i was even almost smiling inside

Alex DeLarge wrote on Sep 30^th, 2017 at 2:52pm:

qft, bruv

Some heroes don't wear capes!

Tangelina wrote on Sep 30^th, 2017 at 3:36pm:

am not the hero you need, but the hero you deserve, tang. btw if you or anyone you know is getting beat by their husband for playing a game a few hours on a saturday afternoon then send me a tell. i know of a guild that will take care of you.

Skoodge wrote on Sep 30^th, 2017 at 5:16pm:

he sounds like a good dude.

Doggydaddy wrote on Sep 30^th, 2017 at 5:30pm:

or do I?

You were totally trying to bang her.

It was funny as shit. Better than play the game actually.

idk what happened in this thread, but here's a water gopher jerking himself off with his foot paddle. fitting.

What is a water gopher?

Technomage wrote on Oct 1^st, 2017 at 3:52pm:

a seachuck

looking back to see if you posted when you explained to me what fortification was, and helped me outta my first tree.
:/